I guess what disturbs and irritates me most is how disconnected she is. She'll happily chirp away about her fantasies and life story in her annoying, high pitched voice totally disconnected from the reality of her life, her son, and making no efforts at all to change. I feel bad because it's not her fault that she's mentally ill, but it bothers me that her whole life she's been resistant to getting medical treatment or making something of herself careerwise (she dropped out of Juliard as a young woman and never went anywhere with her life).
Because a lot of the time, the reactions do stem from insecurity. When women start comparing themselves to women in porn and making judgements that their men prefer "porn women" to them (when that may not be the case), then yes, insecurity is the issue (or at the very least part of it).
You need to let him go. He is dishonest and completely untrustworthy. You seem to be blaming yourself a lot and making excuses for him, but you do need to listen to him on one critical point: this is not your fault, and it's not because of anything you did or didn't do.
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